Let me establish upfront, I’m all for “Leaning In.” But listening to how young women (and men)
communicate today in this Kardashian-infested culture gives me pause. Maybe before we all lean in, we need to….
like, you know, umm…. stop hedging, using fillers and vocal fry and speak with
confidence.
Sheryl Sandberg’s brilliant, “Lean In,” and recent “Lean in
for Graduates,” and Kitty Kay and Claire Shipman’s “The Confidence Code,” offer
empowering words of truth worthy of putting into practice and pinning on your
wall. How about this for a new
mantra? Say it like you mean it.
Fillers or verbal tics can weaken our speech, making us
sound unsure, and yes, maybe uneducated.
Whether a teen-ager is giving an oral presentation in class, a high
school student is interviewing for a summer internship or with a college recruiter,
a young woman (or man) is undergoing a job interview, or is charged with
engaging colleagues at a meeting, sounding self-assured and articulate is
paramount to being taken seriously.
A colleague of mine was telling me how she has two brilliant,
highly educated female co-workers, but that she often cringes hearing them on
calls and in meetings. She has wanted to
pull them aside and impress upon them the importance of not peppering their
speech with mindless repetition of filler words and the verbal uptalk – the
upward glide that ends what should be statements or proclamations in a question
mark. “In today’s meeting, I think, you
know, we need to discuss a new strategic direction for our client?” (What is
heard? I’m not self assured and not
capable of running this meeting.)
This issue has become my baby, which is probably why it came
up at my recent gynecology appointment (and if I weren’t in a compromised
position, I would have taken notes!). My
doctor, a top practitioner in her field, told me emphatically that she too has
experienced this, even in the operating room.
She said that fellow women surgeons weaken and clutter their speech to
try to gain consensus and likeability. So
the command, “Scalpel” will turn into, “If you don’t mind, could you please
hand me the scalpel?” Not only are the
extra words unnecessary, but in a high stakes medical situation, they don’t
inspire confidence.
I first became aware of this challenge growing up in suburban New York, where the popular boys called themselves “The Hair
Gang.” They would end virtually every sentence with, “ya know,” show their toughness
with expressions like, “In your face!” and shout “Nnnnaaa” in unison at the
lunchroom table and at sporting events (a male battle cry of sorts, though I’m
still unsure of the meaning). The girls
would sarcastically say, “yeah, right,” “whatever,” and “as if!” But as a country, it was Valley Girl speak
that plagued us (“Those shoes are like totally last season!”) It took a
concerted effort to protect oneself from falling prey to this verbal epidemic.
Now, 30 years hence, I find myself with teen-agers of my own,
privy to the current slang and fillers. Thankfully, although my girl can do a spot-on
imitation, she has not caught the Britney bug, the Kardashian croak, the Kesha
lazy, drawn-out twang (what YouTube’s Abby Normal calls “The Vocal Fry
Epidemic”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UsE5mysfZsY.) But, the “likes,” “ya knows,”
“umms” and “ahhs” are there, and although I can blame her peers, she probably
caught some of these verbal tics from me (but, like, I don’t know how?!).
Vocal fry, the
low, staccato vibration during speech that arises mostly at the end of
sentences,
even manifests itself in teens’ online social conversations; particularly in
text messaging. A greeting of “Hey,” is
a two syllable. “Heyyyy,” “Party” is “Partayyyy,” “Damn hottie” is “Ddaaaaayyyuuuummm
Hottie,” and even OMG has a few extra G’s, “OMGGG!”
Jimmy Fallon is on it.
On
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon his
“Ew!” sketches poke fun at teen-age girls, and
this trend of verbal fry https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HOK4aBYNh3s . “Exercise?
Kale chips? I can’t! I can’t even!
EW!”
It goes way back... If you’re a Broadway baby, or as old as I am,
you may recall that in My Fair Lady, the
turning point is when Professor Higgins and Colonel Pickering drill Eliza
Doolittle incessantly with phonetic speech exercises, trying to rid her of her Cockney
accent. It all works itself out when she starts singing the exercise, the key lyric
being "The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain."
I like the idea of a singing method to break one of bad verbal
habits. But would it work? My married college friends have two teen-age
girls and their own method. When their
girls use the word “like” in a sentence, they repeat the sentence back, and
then make them repeat the sentence, but add, “and I am not very smart.” For
example, “Brittany and I are, like, going to a party,” becomes, “Brittany and I
are, like, going to a party, and I am
not very smart.” Maybe a bit harsh,
but if you knew my high-spirited and lovable friends, you would understand why
their tactic is working. For most of us,
though, we don’t want to risk stifling our taciturn teenagers and interfere
with our precarious relationships.
Verbal traps start early; as early as elementary school and
middle school, perhaps when you are most influenced by peers and celebrities,
and the when fitting in matters most.
Even little Lisa Simpson, the brain of the
dysfunctional Simpson bunch, calls on these verbal crutches to fit in with the
cool crowd.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=21lTu6FrTmk
In case you hadn’t noticed,
it has somehow become uncool
to sound like you know what you’re talking
about?
Or believe strongly in what you’re
saying?
Invisible question marks and parenthetical
(you know?)’s
have been attaching themselves to the ends
of our sentences?
Even when those sentences aren’t, like,
questions? You know?
Declarative sentences—so-‐called
because they used to, like, DECLARE things
to be true, okay,
as opposed to other things are, like,
totally, you know, not—
have been infected by a totally hip
and tragically cool interrogative tone?
You know?
Like, don’t think I’m uncool just because
I’ve noticed this;
this is just like the word on the street,
you know?
It’s like what I’ve heard?
I have nothing personally invested in my
own opinions, okay?
I’m just inviting you to join me in my
uncertainty?
Taylor Mali nails it.
But, changing right brain habits is always a hard task, and when it
comes to communication and peer pressure, it takes vigilance and
repetition. Teachers deal with this issue all the
time. My friend Marci’s daughter’s 7th
grade English teacher made a competition out of it. She asked her students to speak for one
minute on a topic of their choosing, without the fillers – a challenge to see
how many, if any, could do it. They quickly realized how often those fillers
make it into their speech and how very difficult it was to remove them.
My girlfriend, who happens to be a 5th grade English
teacher, had this to say: “Definitely,
in my classroom, the quietest voices belong to the girls. Girls subconsciously
or consciously speak in a way that lessens the power of what they are saying. As for the boys, perhaps to lessen their
accountability, they mumble, talk really fast, or qualify their ideas with,
“what I mean is…”
Although I’m not sure that my primary and secondary
education had me speaking to impress, thankfully, as a communications major at college,
the skills associated with the written and spoken word were drilled into
me. But, as a new employee at
Hewlett-Packard (my first “real” job) - where men filled virtually all of the
top spots - I quickly realized that not everyone was on board. I distinctly remember being appalled when at
my first company meeting; the regional general manager gave a speech that was
riddled with grammatical mishaps and fillers.
It was embarrassing and frankly, shameful.
I reached out to a few speech-language pathologists (SLP’s) to
learn more. It turns out there is a
field dedicated to studying how
language serves and is shaped by the social nature of human beings
called sociolinguistics. According to
SLP Marci Macaluso,
“We are so busy bonding
and wanting to be part of the ‘tribe,’ that we don’t realize how habitual these
verbal crutches becomes and how they take over our speech and the way we
present ourselves to the world. There are psychological and behavioral
issues behind these speech patterns and with speech modification, there are
different strategies we can use to successfully reshape these behaviors.”
With my own communications consultancy
http://www.manncroninpr.com,
Say it Like You Mean it is, and has always been, my tagline. I am constantly mindful of how my colleagues
and clients “sound.” In my
business’s arsenal of tools, we use speaker training to teach executives how to
best communicate their company’s expertise.
Why? Because every time an
executive clips on a microphone, is faced (online or off) with a reporter, or
speaks at a conference, their company’s reputation is on the line.
The fact is, to “lean in,” everyone could use speaker
training. Corporate world or private sector; politician, marketer, retailer,
social worker, engineer or doctor – no matter what our chosen profession – to
show our best selves, we don’t just need to dress for success. We need to speak to impress.
Back in February of 2012, the New York Times did a piece
entitled, “They’re, Like, Way Ahead of the Linguistic Currrve,” positing that
girls and women in their teens and twenties deserve credit for pioneering vocal
trends and popular slang. Maybe so, but
I think we are in a danger zone. Among
friends and family members, this “Linguistic currrve” may be okay. But, girls and young women, who even in 2014
are challenged by our male-dominated business world – and still earn 70 cents
to the dollar – need to demonstrate competence, assert power, and be taken
seriously. Like, ya know…I think we need
to Say it Like We Mean it.
I’d love to hear your stories. Do YOU suffer from the "like" syndrome? Tend to speak in questions or apologize or downgrade your thought before you even get to the point ("This might be wrong, but...)? Have you seen these issues in your own career/world? Tried (successfully or unsuccessfully) to
remedy the issue? Please fill me in…and look out for an upcoming panel discussion on September 18th that
will offer insight, tips, fixes and dig deeper…
Reach me here:
Audrey Mann Cronin
Mann Cronin PR|Comm
audrey@manncroninpr.com
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