I have two teenagers of my own – one independent, tolerant
soul, and one green with mortification at my mere presence in the company of
his peers – and both with their own verbal crutches. I often have to bite my tongue to not
constantly correct their likes, ahs, ums and ya’ knows. (e.g. “Ya
know, mom, I can’t even believe you brought the dog to my soccer training and had
to have every player like pet her?”)
The truth is, teenagers make for enlightening and heady
company. I love being around them, even
if they’d rather I made myself scarce. But
the way teens communicate with all of those “likes, ya knows, totallys and
whatevers” gives me pause. Where do they
get this post “Valley girl” lexicon and why is it so pervasive?
Could it be that we are to blame?
Last week, I was fortunate to accompany a group of mostly
female teenage writers – including my own young scribe – to a YA author reading
in NYC, organized by a brilliant kids’ writing program called Writopia Lab. Moderated
by David Levithan, prolific author and editor and publisher of The Hunger Games, the authors’ readings
ranged from dystopian horror to middle school friendship fiction to an action
adventure about sugar addicts aboard a cruise ship. All of it captivating, and all
of it well read, and received.
It was my privilege to discuss the event with this bright
bunch over burgers and veggie plates at Good Stuff Diner. When the inevitable topic of tattoos, piercings
and parental opinions came up, an animated discussion ensued, flying freely
from their Gen Z mouths and down our table of ten, rich with slang, verbal tics
and hyperbole. All sentences seemed to begin with the teen-bonding four words,
“My mom is like…”
My mom is like there is no way you are getting a skull tattoo on your wrist, or anywhere
else on your God-given body
My mom is like
you can get a double piercing, but none of those ratchet cartilage piercings.
My mom is like,
wasn’t the blue hair enough?
My mom is like,
whatever!
My mom is like
your dad totally said no to the first earring, but ya know how he is… he might
be okay with a second?
My mom is like I
mean, I can’t even believe you would consider a tongue ring! You’ll like get a disease!
My mom is like super cool. She has a totally awesome
butterfly tattoo on her wrist.
Wow. I was
transfixed. And not just by the teenage
ranting, or the fact that after 30 years of heeding my own mom’s advice, I had just
gotten my own double piercing (Go me!).
But the use of all of those filler words was “like, totally” dizzying! Yes, I
admit to being guilty of too frequently injecting filler words into my own sentences,
my main squeeze being starting every sentence with the word “So,” but, this was epidemic!
Apparently, the media has also taken notice - looking specifically a few years down the pike when these young girls become working women. Two recent commentaries
on our lexicon and how it impacts women's credibility and success have run in
the last week.
Fortune Magazine ran a commentary by Author Gina Barnett entitled, “Like, totally don't talk like this to get ahead in business?” offering advice on how to banish vocal fry, uptalking and other vocal tics that can undermine women's authority. Barnett
says:
“Using
your voice to convey confidence and authority is a challenge for everyone, of
course, but it often has greater implications for women and can hurt their
ability to influence and lead.”
And,
on filler words:
“Filler (those repeated sounds like “um”) or
so-called habit speech, such as “like” or “you know,” are very distracting and
your audience must actively tune them out to follow your words.”
And,
an article
by former Google executive Ellen Leanse, “Google and Apple Alum Says Using This One Word Can Damage Your Credibility,” lays
into the pervasive use of the word “just,” by women – a “permission” word, as
in “I just wanted to say…” or “I’m just following up.”
Leanse
says:
“I
am all about respectful communication. Yet I began to notice that
"just" wasn't about being polite: it was a subtle message of
subordination, of deference. Sometimes it was self-effacing. Sometimes even
duplicitous. As I started really listening, I realized that striking it from a
phrase almost always clarified and strengthened the message.”
Add “just” to
the list!
On social media there has been a catfight over these two
commentaries, and whether or not how women speak really matters. In her post “Just Talk How You Want, Ladies. Just, Okay?” writer Amanda
Marcotte’s offers a dissenting view, and says there is no evidence showing that
using words like “just” make listeners think women are weak.
Regardless of your position, how we communicate is entirely contagious and does affect
how we are perceived. And, as parents, we have a responsibility. Our verbal influence on our kids translates
profoundly into how they communicate – as teens and as adults. We need to teach them to find their own authentic voice -- to speak articulately, with
confidence, and to say it like they mean it!
With that, here again, are my "Top 10 Tips to Say it LikeYou Mean it.”
Just sayin’
3 comments:
This was interesting. I really pray I don't use "like" absent mindedly anymore. Thank you for sharing other people's thoughts on fillers and speaking properly. The "just" article is an eye opener.I think I use it a lot in my emails. Especially if I have been waiting for a response for a while. Why am I asking for "permission" for a reply? Silly when I think about it now.
I enjoyed the post, Audrey. With 17 and 15 yr old daughters, I've noticed a situational use of "like", just as you would have a situational smoker who only smokes in bars. It's pretty well under control among adults but they fall into it quickly and deeply on the phone or in person with peers. The more common issue is the massacre of personal pronouns. After all that tuition, I have a short fuse for "Me and so-and-so"!
Hi Mystery Chris! I love the analogy. Yes, the way we speak is a tribal form of bonding - and very addictive!
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